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A selection of random funny poems from our vast
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Safety-Clutch by Ambrose Bierce
Once I seen a human ruin In a elevator-well. And his members was bestrewin' All the place where he had fell.
And I says, apostrophisin' That uncommon woful wreck: 'Your position's so surprisin' That I tremble for your neck!'
Then that ruin, smilin' sadly And impressive, up and spoke: 'Well, I wouldn't tremble badly, For it's been a fortnight broke.'
Then, for further comprehension Of his attitude, he begs I will focus my attention On his various arms and legs--
How they all are contumacious; Where they each, respective, lie; How one trotter proves ungracious, T' other one an alibi.
These particulars is mentioned For to show his dismal state, Which I wasn't first intentioned To specifical relate.
None is worser to be dreaded That I ever have heard tell Than the gent's who there was spreaded In that elevator-well.
Now this tale is allegoric-- It is figurative all, For the well is metaphoric And the feller didn't fall.
I opine it isn't moral For a writer-man to cheat, And despise to wear a laurel As was gotten by deceit.
For 'tis Politics intended By the elevator, mind, It will boost a person splendid If his talent is the kind.
Col. Bryan had the talent (For the busted man is him) And it shot him up right gallant Till his head began to swim.
Then the rope it broke above him And he painful came to earth Where there's nobody to love him For his detrimented worth.
Though he's living' none would know him, Or at leastwise not as such. Moral of this woful poem: Frequent oil your safety-clutch.
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With All Thy Gifts by Walt Whitman
With all thy gifts, America, (Standing secure, rapidly tending, overlooking the world,) Power, wealth, extent, vouchsafed to thee--With these, and like of these, vouchsafed to thee, What if one gift thou lackest? (the ultimate human problem never solving;) The gift of Perfect Women fit for thee--What of that gift of gifts thou lackest? The towering Feminine of thee? the beauty, health, completion, fit for thee? The Mothers fit for thee?
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Full Of Life, Now by Walt Whitman
Full of life, now, compact, visible, I, forty years old the Eighty-third Year of The States, To one a century hence, or any number of centuries hence, To you, yet unborn, these, seeking you.
When you read these, I, that was visible, am become invisible; Now it is you, compact, visible, realizing my poems, seeking me; Fancying how happy you were, if I could be with you, and become your comrade; Be it as if I were with you. (Be not too certain but I am now with you.)
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There was an Old Man of the East by Edward Lear
There was an Old Man of the East, Who gave all his children a feast; But they all ate so much, And their conduct was such, That it killed that Old Man of the East.
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