The Diplomatic Platypus
by Patrick Barrington
I had a duck-billed platypus when I was up at
Trinity,
With whom I soon discovered a remarkable affinity.
He used to live in lodgings with myself and Arthur
Purvis,
And we all went up together for the Diplomatic
Service.
I had a certain confidence, I own, in his ability,
He mastered all the subjects with remarkable
facility;
And Purvis, though more dubious, agreed that he was
clever,
But no one else imagined he had any chance whatever.
I failed to pass the interview, the board with wry
grimaces
Took exception to my boots and then objected to my
braces,
And Purvis too was failed by an intolerant examiner
Who said he had his doubts as to his
sock-suspender's stamina.
Our summary rejection, though we took it with
urbanity
Was naturally wounding in some measure to our
vanity;
The bitterness of failure was considerably
mollified,
However, by the ease with which our platypus had
qualified.
The wisdom of the choice, it soon appeared, was
undeniable;
There never was a diplomat more thoroughly reliable.
The creature never acted with undue precipitation O,
But gave to every question his mature consideration
O.
He never made rash statements his enemies might hold
him to,
He never stated anything, for no one ever told him
to,
And soon he was appointed, so correct was his
behaviour,
Our Minister (without Portfolio) to Trans-Moravia.
My friend was loved and honoured from the Andes to
Esthonia,
He soon achieved a pact between Peru and Patagonia,
He never vexed the Russians nor offended the
Rumanians,
He pacified the Letts and yet appeased the
Lithuanians,
Won approval from his masters down in Downing Street
so wholly, O,
He was soon to be rewarded with the grant of a
Portfolio,
When on the Anniversary of Greek Emancipation,
Alas! He laid an egg in the Bulgarian Legation.
This untoward occurrence caused unheard-of
repercussions,
Giving rise to epidemics of sword-clanking in the
Prussians.
The Poles began to threaten, and the Finns began to
flap at him,
Directing all the blame for this unfortunate mishap
at him;
While the Swedes withdrew entirely from the
Anglo-Saxon dailies
The right of photographing the Aurora Borealis,
And, all efforts at rapprochement in the meantime
proving barren,
The Japanese in self-defence annexed the Isle of
Arran.
My platypus, once thought to be more cautious and
more tentative
Than any other living diplomatic representative,
Was now a sort of warning to all diplomatic students
Of the risks attached to negligence, the perils of
imprudence,
Beset and persecuted by the forces of reaction, O,
He reaped the consequences of his ill-considered
action, O,
And, branded in the Honours List as 'Platypus, Dame
Vera',
Retired, a lonely figure, to lay eggs in Bordighera.
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